


Somebody to love

by Big_ball_of_anxiety_and_cake



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Crowley and Aziraphale love each other, Crowley is Raphael, because angels, god is ineffable, inconsistent pronouns, ineffable husbands, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27079492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Big_ball_of_anxiety_and_cake/pseuds/Big_ball_of_anxiety_and_cake
Summary: Raphael knew they were loved.Crawly knew no one would ever love them again.Crowley found love even in the most unlikely of places.A story about Crowley's relationship to God and love.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & God (Good Omens)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

The first thing Raphael ever felt was warmth. They did not know who or where they were, not that there was much of anything yet, but they knew with unwavering certainty that they were loved fully and unconditionally. And Raphael smiled.

When they opened their eyes for the first time, they saw Heaven. Suddenly they knew who they were and where they were. They knew their siblings, the other archangels, and they knew that there were more still to come. They knew that the being who had created them called Themselves God and that it was their purpose to create the stars.

And create them they did. Raphael made supernovas and galaxies and black holes and star systems. They created matter out of nothingness and filled the universe. They did their best because they knew that this would be the home of God’s future creations. They were looking forward to one in particular. God had called it humanity. 

Inside their chest they could feel the warmth of God’s love.

Raphael was loved fully and unconditionally.

There were more angels now. The archangels were still there but God had created thousands of younger siblings. For a while everything was fine. But then there where whispers. Lucifer and some of the younger angels criticised their creator’s decisions. But God had to know, right? They loved all of Their creations. Still, as the fights between the oldest angel Michael and Lucifer grew more frequent, God only stood by an unreadable smile on Their lips.

And Raphael’s belief in God’s love began to waver.

Then came the revolution. Lucifer and his followers stood up and attacked the other angels who answered in kind. It was a bloodbath. No angel had died before that day. Raphael hoped none would do ever again. The empty look in the eyes of their first sibling to die would haunt them for millenia. Her name had been Jugoriel. Raphael had not known her well but they still grieved for her loss.

Raphael did not fight with the others. As soon as the first of their siblings died, they opened their wings and sought out God. They would stop this, right? God couldn’t want this. They loved all Their creations. But when Raphael arrived, God was not there. Only her messenger, an angel called Metatron, waited in Their chambers. Raphael asked him where God was. They asked why They weren’t stopping this carnage. Did God not love them? Metatron did not answer Raphael’s questions. He called them a traitor for no loyal angel would ever question God this way. Raphael protested and begged for their help to stop this pointless suffering but Metatron would not listen. 

Metatron took out his sword and attacked. He believed Raphael to be a part of the rebellion too. Raphael did not fight back. They could never hurt one of their siblings. Their fight brought them closer and closer to the edge of Heaven. In the end they should have seen it coming. One wrong step and there was no more heaven beneath their feet.

And Raphael fell.

The heat of the fall scorched their pure white wings into a tainted black. Their true angelic form was forever deformed. They no longer were an angel. They were something else. Their essence was damaged in the fall and their physical form changed to mirror that. They became a monster. Snake-like.

They fell into a pit of burning sulfur lightyears beneath their former home. They were too injured from the fall to leave. The poisonous gases of what would later be Hell made them choke and struggle. This was no place for an angel. This was no place for life at all.

It took days for the other fallen angels to find them. They had arrived in a different part of Hell and were only now exploring this part. The others did not realise who they were. That they used to be an archangel. They were just another rebel to them and they treated them as such. They cared for their wounds but there was no kindness or tenderness behind that action. They simply made a soldier ready to fight again.

For a few years, the former archangel expected Heaven to come back for them. To realise their mistake. They were all part of God’s beloved creation. All crimes could be forgiven. But Heaven didn’t come. They still despised the rebels. Thought of them as lesser. After a while the former archangel gave up on that hope. Raphael became Crawly, just another demon in hell. Unimportant. Unloved.

God’s warmth died down to a spark in their chest.

Crawly could not remember what being loved felt like.

They weren’t there for humanity’s creation. They had waited for it for such a long time but didn’t know it had even happened until Hell sent them to corrupt the first humans. Crawly did not want that. Despite their status as a demon, they were not evil. They had not been part of the rebellion although nobody knew that. Still the punishments for failure in Hell were harsh and Crawly obeyed his orders with a pang of guilt.

Adam and Eve ate the apple of knowledge that Crawly offered them and God cast them out. If Crawly had needed any proof that God was not as good as they had believed Them to be, this would’ve been it. God had always hated it when Their creations understood. They didn’t like questions no matter how justified Their creations doubts were. 

God did not love them. Never had.

Crawly wanted to leave, to flee and hide and forget about the beings they had purposefully exposed to God’s wrath. But something held them back. It was the angel standing on the wall around the labyrinth, defending it against the intruders, even those who had called it home not so long ago. But where was their sword? 

Crawly was curious, so he went to meet the angel. They were not what they had expected them to be. Aziraphale was a kind soul. He had given away his sword to the humans simply because they had needed it. He didn’t ask questions, he just helped. Crawly liked him. They liked the warmth in his eyes. They liked the way he smiled at them despite being enemies. 

Aziraphale was everything God was not. He was kind and forgiving and good. He didn’t mind Crawly’s questions, the very thing that had made them fall. But most of all Aziraphale cared. He cared about all of God’s creation. He cared about the angels and the demons, the animals and the plants. He cared about the humans and loved them all equally. Like an angel was supposed to.

Inside Crawly‘s chest bloomed an echo of God’s warmth.

Crawly could almost remember how it felt to be loved again.

They spent lots of time on earth afterwards, watching the humans and tempting them when they had to. Helping whenever Hell wasn’t watching. Crawly the demon became Crowley. They didn’t know what they were now. They were no angel anymore but they did not feel like a demon either. They felt more at home amongst the humans than they ever had in Heaven or Hell. 

Aziraphale was on earth too, Crowley knew that. They watched him often, saw him do his best to help humanity. Sometimes the other angels came for him. Told him that he did to much, used too many miracles. Crowley pitied the angel. He only wanted to do what was right. His kindness wouldn’t survive long in this cold, cruel world.

But it did. Every time they met, Aziraphale only seemed to get kinder. Warmer.

Crowley was intrigued and they decided to befriend the angel. Though Aziraphale was soon much more than a friend to them. Aziraphale was like the sun. Even if the times were dark, he shone light and love and happiness into every corner of the world. Crowley wanted to protect this light. They wanted to bask in it forever, see the angel’s smile everyday. 

Crowley loved Aziraphale. Those feelings scared them but it was impossible to stay away.

Their love for Aziraphale beat inside their chest, filling the emptiness God had left behind.

Aziraphale would never love them back, but he taught Crowley how to love again.

Crowley was thankful for that.

Over the years the two of them grew closer. Crowley proposed the arrangement even though it was nothing but an excuse to be close to this angel. They met in Rome, the Globe, revolutionary France. Things were good. Aziraphale didn’t trust them and maybe he never would but that was okay. As long as Aziraphale would sent them those smiles that made the warmth in their chest flare up every once in a while, Crowley was content.

Humanity evolved and Crowley and Aziraphale evolved with it. Their society became more complex, their governments more just. Identity was suddenly a huge thing. You could no longer stumble into a room, introduce yourself with a made up name and then disappear into the night again. People wanted proof of identity. They expected a first and a last name. Crowley picked Anthony. It was a nice name. He supposed that that was who he was now.

Anthony J Crowley.

What the J stood for? He always told people it stood for Janthony and he chose it when he was drunk. In truth it stood for Judas. Hell expected their servant on earth to have a biblical if not demonic name. Crowley didn’t like it. He only kept it as a J.

Still his relationship with Aziraphale grew closer. They had lunch together more often now. After their meeting in the curch where Crowley saved his books, he almost thought that Aziraphale trusted him. The angel gave him the holy water just to keep him safe and Crowley’s heart melted. But Aziraphale didn’t trust him. Not yet. That was okay. They were still an angel and a demon. But Crowley could work with this. Things were good.

Then Hastur and Ligur brought the antichrist to earth and Crowley’s heart, usually alight with love, went cold. Time was running out. For humanity and for them. More of his siblings would die. He couldn’t let that happen. He wouldn’t let this happen again.

So he told Aziraphale. Told his enemies were the antichrist was. They devised a plan together. They would save the humans they had come to care for so much. Both of them would raise the child together. Aziraphale would teach Warlock how to be good and Crowley would teach him how to be evil. She didn’t like that. She didn’t like corrupting this child but it was necessary. He could not have too much of Heaven or Hell in him. Aziraphale and Crowley had to cancel each other out. They had to keep him balanced. Only then would their beloved humanity survive.

It was the wrong child. They were doomed.

Aziraphale didn’t understand yet. He thought God would help. Crowley knew They wouldn’t. God didn’t like questions. Aziraphale would soon see that too. And he did. But Aziraphale did not give up in the face of God’s apathy. He returned to Crowley and together they went to the real antichrist to put a stop to this madness.

The warmth inside Crowley’s heart rejoiced at working together with this angel.

Adam was not what he had expected him to be. He was not a monster. He was simply a child. Despite his demonic father, Adam was human. He did not want to destroy the world. There was warmth in his eyes. This demonic child had more love than God had ever shown Their creations. Adam just wanted a normal life and Crowley would make sure that he got one. And they won. Humanity prevented the war between Heaven and Hell. Because that was who they were. Adam, Crowley and Aziraphale did not belong to Heaven or Hell. They might not be human but they belonged here on earth.

Aziraphale no longer was a normal angel and Crowley had never been a normal demon. There was nothing seperating them now and they knew that. So they had dinner together, they went home together. They didn’t have to say the words that had burned on their lips for centuries now. They already knew.

Crowley and Aziraphale loved each other and despite everything that was thrown at them, they found a way to be together.

Their love burned in both their chests and kept them warm.

Crowley was loved fully and unconditionally once again.

Sometimes he wondered whether God had planned it this way. Had all this pain and loneliness been the way to find new happiness? It was possible but in the end it didn’t matter. Crowley had been happy as Raphael too and God had done nothing to help back then. Crowley would never forgive Them for that.

He didn’t need God anymore.

He had found Adam and Newton and Anathema and most importantly Aziraphale.

Crowley had found somebody to love and he was loved in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was just sorta in my head.  
> I hope you liked it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for Slytherin11 even if I´m not sure whether they want it.
> 
> You asked for a sequel and some closure for Crowley and I can see the appeal in that, but then I was like:
> 
> _”Honest and open communication about feelings? With these two? Yeah, no way!”_
> 
> And then this happened.  
> It´s not what you asked for, but I hope you like it nevertheless.

God didn´t know what love felt like.

She had always been there, as far as she knew. She had existed before anything else. Before the universe, before the angels, before solar systems and planets and life.

Before love.

When she created the first angels, they told her that they loved her. God didn´t know what that meant exactly, but it sounded nice.

Her creations were more independent than they knew. They created so many things themselves and God could only marvel at their wonders. 

She ordered the creation of the starts and Raphael made beautiful nebulas and galaxies that filled the heavens with light and warmth. 

She ordered the creation of minds and souls and her angels created love and hate and hope and despair. 

All these things were beyond her. She had not created them and she was too different from her beloved angels to truly understand what they meant. But that was okay. She had created the angels not as her legacy, but to be outlived. To be outshined by their achievements. She had made the first step and soon others would take over and she would be able to rest.

But her angels didn´t seem to want to take over. They were content to live in heaven and fulfil her orders. They had free will, but they did not act on it. That was, until Lucifer came.

Lucifer was the shining star of the angels. He glowed with love and determination and _hope_. He was perfect. He would be the one to lead the angels when she was gone. She had made everything, but he would make everything beautiful. 

She was sure now that, foreign as it was, the emotion she could feel in her chest was the one that the angels called love.

Lucifer fought with passion for his vision of what the world could be. Words were his only weapon, but he swung them with more grace than all his other siblings. And the angels began to listen and they too dreamed to build the world that Lucifer was painting in his speeches.

The older angels however were not interested in this new world. They had everything that they needed, all the power they wanted, and did not see the need for change. Gabriel in particular began to argue with his younger brother and tried to show him that they needn’t do anything but carry out God´s will.

Even if she agreed only with Lucifer, God let them argue and listened with a smile. Differing opinions, discussions, conflict were all signs of the free will she wanted her creation to use so much. She knew that Lucifer would win in the end, his skills with words were unparalleled, and the other angels had to make this choice themselves. They had to see that there was more to life than following her orders.

Even as the arguments between Gabriel and Lucifer grew more intense, grew into fights and as all of heaven started to choose a side and things started to get violent, she was not worried.

She trusted in the purity and love of her creations.

She loved them and surely they must also love each other.

She hadn´t though they would take things this far. What must her angels think of her now?

Hundreds of angels had died in the rebellion. Thousands had been cast out into a burning pit that the remaining angels now called hell and their pure souls had been twisted by the fall beyond recognition. Even Lucifer, the brightest of the angels, was but a shadow of himself. His hope and love had changed into despair and hate and he ruled his new kingdom without mercy and without free will. Her messenger, the archangel Gabriel, took over the host of heaven and though he knew to hide it better, his rule was just the same.

What had she done? How could she have let this happen? How could she, the one they called omniscient, not have foretold this horrible tragedy? 

She blamed herself for what had happened and was sure her angels did the same. In her shame, she hid in her workshop and no longer visited heaven. Maybe she could have helped to alleviate the pain of Gabriel´s harsh treatment just for a while, but she didn´t dare to go there and face the judgement of her angels. She didn´t want to see the hate and disgust that she was sure to find on their faces.

No matter how much she loved them, her angels would never forgive her.

However, she made one last, desperate attempt to redeem herself. She took everything that had been good and bad and free about her angels and she created the one thing she had been planning from the start.

Humanity.

They were not perfect or pure like her angels had been, but their imperfections and edges made them all the more beautiful. This was what she had been working towards the entire time. This was free will incarnate.

She loved them with all her heart and she was sure that the angels would love them too.

Maybe their shared love for their young siblings, the humans, would unite them where she no longer could.

So she put the humans on the earth in a beautiful and happy place that she called paradise. But in this paradise, she put one tree that the humans should never eat from. It was a perfectly normal tree like all the others, but surely her angels would rise up to the challenge of protecting their younger siblings from the perceived danger and thus they would be reunited in their cause.

But God had underestimated how far gone the pure beings she had once created were.

Instead of loving and rejoicing at the new beings on their earth, they were disgusted by their imperfections and grew envious of the attention they received from their mother.

And so demons and angels were indeed united as they hatched a plan. Hell sent one of their servants and tempted the humans into breaking the one rule God had imposed on them. Meanwhile, heaven would turn a blind eye. God would see the fault in her new creatures and destroy them in her wrath and afterwards the rivalry between heaven and hell would continue as usual. They had neither forgotten nor forgiven what happened before the fall. 

And so the humans ate the apple and God cast them out with a heavy heart. Justice had to be served, but she felt none of the wrath that the angels had expected. Her last plan to reunite her children had failed and they would never create the beautiful things she knew they could.

It seemed that her only legacy would be her failures.

But she had judged too early. The angel guarding the eastern gate didn´t seem to know of the vile plans of his superiors. He only saw people in need and he helped. There was only kindness in his heart and when it really counted, the only will he obeyed was his own. 

He still had a lot to learn of course. Gabriel´s disdain and his preaching of the inferiority of humans and demons had made him shy and insecure. But his heart was pure and he would make the right choices in the end.

He was everything that God had ever wanted her angels to be.

Interestingly, the same went for the snake. Most angels had changed beyond recognition when they fell, but there was still enough light left in this one to tell. They had been Raphael, the one who had created the stars.

She did not know, how they had fallen since they had always been rather peaceful, but she was relieved to see that they hadn´t been lost to their brother Lucifer´s teachings yet.

As she saw the two of them meet for the first time, as she saw them show kindness to a supposed enemy without thinking, she thought that perhaps not all hope was lost.

She did not expect her children´s forgiveness, but she still had so much love left to give.

So she watched these two more closely when they were sent to earth to watch over the humans. Heaven and hell had seemed unhappy that she had not destroyed them but were sure that the humans were no longer in her good graces. So they had started to turn their lives into a game and tried showing their superiority by securing as many of their souls as possible.

She did not like her angels treating their siblings like that, but if that was what it took to make them accept their existence, she would take it.

The angel of the eastern gate, Aziraphale, and his new friend Raphael who now called themselves Crawly and later Crowley, were still on earth and treated the humans with anything but disdain. They seemed fascinated. They _cared_. And they cared about each other despite being enemies.

God wasn´t sure what was blooming between them, but it seemed to be another kind of this ever-mysterious love.

She watched these two grow and they overcame the lies that heaven and hell had told them. They found the truth about angels hidden in themselves. Angels were beings of love and love was all they ever showed to anyone. 

God still didn´t dare approach them, but she was so, so proud and she helped them in any way she could.

She made sure that news of their Arrangement and their growing relationship would never reach the other angels. She made sure that the good and kind deeds that their so-called superiors forbid them, were never noticed by anyone.

She did her best to make them happy. She owed them that much.

Then hell sent the antichrist to cause that apocalypse that the angels were always talking about and she nearly laughed out loud. As if any being not raised with their indoctrination would ever choose to fight for heaven or hell. She was more than sure that the boy would see them for what they really were.

Maybe he would use his powers for good, maybe he would use them for evil, but he would use them as he saw fit and that was all that mattered in the end.

Her trust in her creations had been misplaced before, but this time she was certain.

Okay, maybe her two most beloved angels were not that competent. It was endearing how they spent so much time influencing a child that wasn´t even the right one. Their intervention would not be needed, but it was sweet of them to try. 

She had everything handled already. Agnes Nutter had not been created by her intentionally, but she had read her work with great interest and had insured its survival until the present day.

And so the Armageddon came and nothing changed.

Except it did. Heaven and Hell finally realised their mistake. They had thought humanity inferior due to their imperfections, but they themselves had lost their purity so long ago and they did not have the creativity and imagination that the humans showed.

Well, most of them didn´t.

Even she hadn´t expected this. She had been proud of Aziraphale and Crowley for choosing their own path, but she hadn´t expected them to actually act. To stand up to the forces of heaven and hell even if nobody had asked them to.

She was so, so proud of them.

Really, she shouldn´t be surprised. She had always intended for her creations to become better than her. 

And now they had.

She knew that a lot of this had been her fault. She could have prevented this, prevented all this pain. If only she had been wiser, kinder, if only she´d _seen_.

But it was too late now. And really, all would be well now. Aziraphale and Crowley had made the first step and showed the angels what freedom was. More angels were sure to follow and what Gabriel and Satan had build would soon fall apart. Her angels would finally build their own paradise.

Perhaps this could have been achieved at a lower price. Maybe pain could have been avoided if only she had interfered more. But it was happening now, and what would be build in the future would belong to her creations and no one else. They had done all this alone.

They no longer needed her.

She loved them and she was proud of them, but she doubted that they would want to see her.

There was no need to remind them of how they had once done nothing but follow her orders. They gave their own orders now and her interference would only cause harm.

And yet, she felt the need to apologise. 

She couldn´t explain herself to them, too much had happened, but she owed them that much. 

She owed Crowley and Aziraphale that much.

So maybe it wasn´t entirely coincidental when one day a vase appeared on the coffee table of their shared apartment. Neither of them really noticed it, they miracled or bought new things all the time, but this one was special. If one looked really closely, the beautiful patterns were indeed not random, but resembled writing in a language that had long been dead. It had been spoken on earth before humanity had been divided by the creations of new languages.

A relict of a time of unity on earth.

Only the angels remembered it now.

The inscription simply read:

_”I´m sorry”_

She did not add “I love you” or “I´m proud of you”. 

Her angels needed neither her love nor her pride. They had each other and the humans and that would always be enough.

But she did mean it.

She was sorry for all that had happened to them and her part in it, and she was more proud of them than she could´ve ever imagined.

And she loved them.

Once this emotion had seemed foreign to her, but she was more than sure now that this was what she felt. It was what she had always felt. She loved all her dear creations and she trusted them with her universe.

She had created them, but they had showed her love.

So perhaps, she should´ve also added a “Thank you”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just now realised that the fall only happened after the creation of humanity, but for the sake of this story let´s just pretend that it didn´t.


End file.
